hope rolling - the only 2020 post

It is ridiculous that as much as I write and love to write, that I have not published one blog post this entire year. In fact, I’ve only published one post in 2019 when we published my website. I had plans to write regularly but just did not. One of the most frustrating things about myself is that I rarely do what I tell myself to do. I even put it in my planner to do it, but then refuse to keep the schedule I make for myself. I don’t know what to blame or how to explain it exactly but I hate being told what to do even if it’s me telling me what to do. It’s ridiculous. Thankfully I have learned to not hate or even dislike it when God tells me what to do. I actually count on it, because I ask Him what He wants me to do with my days. I have gotten slack, criticized, judged, made fun of - call it what you will - by many a person for this. It usually goes something like, “God gave you a brain and expects you to use it.” Or, “God doesn’t care about the little details.” Even once, I had a pastor ask us why we would even ask God His opinion on something that was a fairly huge deal. He said that we were allowed to do whatever we wanted in the given situation. That one still baffles me. I’ve tried to understand the thought process behind the criticisms and frankly don’t care anymore. What I do know is that Jesus wants a relationship with me which means He’s totally fine with me coming to Him regularly to ask what He thinks my day should look like. Perhaps those criticizing me thought I was implying it was a sin to not ask God for His thoughts on daily routines or decisions. I am not. I do not feel convicted in the least if I don’t ask God about everything. I do feel disconnected and distracted. Not everybody is wired like me, THANK YOU JESUS! Not everybody has dealt with the kind of anxiety I have. Others love a rigid schedule and attack their day and their lists with a vigor I have often envied. They don’t stress over decisions the way that I have, so perhaps do not feel the need to talk to God about them. They just do the thing and carry on. But I have a vivid memory of my dear momma praying over the money that was allocated to her when we went school shopping asking God to show us exactly what we needed with the money she had. She would ask for a good parking spot or ask God to help her find something she lost. And I saw those prayers answered. It was normal for me to turn to God when I was uncertain or anxious or needed guidance or needed to feel safe or frustrated or angry or terrified.

I used to believe I knew why I hated being told what to do. Then I had my own kids and realized they hated it too and we had not parented the same way I had been. Having my own kids has taught me the most about life and that is that I know absolutely nothing. Which brings me full circle as to why I ask God to dictate my day and often even ask Him what to make for dinner. And you know, I can honestly say He has never ever not given me an answer. Not every answer is immediate or even clear, but He has always showed Himself somehow. I will say the dinner ideas are always timely. Yes, I do believe that when an idea comes across my mind or in my field of vision after I have asked Him that it is from Him. And I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say I even believe that any good idea I ever have is also from Him. Why? Because the Bible tells me so. Every good and perfect gift is from Him and dinner ideas are good. Also because He says that if I am lacking wisdom I should ask Him for it and that He is generous with it. I have found this to be proven true and I believe Him.

So I say all this to share that my work life is changing in this coming year. I will no longer be working outside of my home, but dedicating all of my time on my visual art and knitting and crocheting and embroidery work. When I first executed this decision, which God and I had been talking about for several weeks, I felt a huge relief and an excitement about the coming year. Then yesterday, I started to panic. I don’t manage time well when I have lots of options. It was frankly easier to manage my time when I had an actual work schedule. Less time meant I had less time to get my orders completed and delivered. I only had limited days in which to paint or crochet. Now, I have all week. That’s a lot of time to slip away when your brain works like mine. I keep wanting to reach out to Parker, who is an intense task master with his time. It took him years and years to actually take a sabbath because he wanted to always be accomplishing something. He is the one who asks me after breakfast what the lunch plan is. I have no lunch plan directly after I have eaten breakfast. In fact, I’m already irritated that lunch will even need to happen. I’ll think about that later. Thus I hesitate even mentioning my new schedule dilemma to Parker. And frankly, after loving me for 28 years, he knows I don’t really want his opinion in the matter at all. I reached out to Riley, who is even more driven than her father, telling her I need a life coach. Her reply was that I needed a therapist more. She is not wrong. So, tomorrow begins a new year and a new life for me. And I am so excited. Excited more than dreading it, for sure. I will get to create and paint and write more. I still don’t have a perfect plan for my schedule, but I am absolutely sure that God will help me direct my days, even my minutes. I have already started talking to Him about my fear of failing in using the time He has given me. And although, a schedule has not materialized just yet, His promise that He has already gone before me and will walk with me each moment is prominent in my mind and heart. I will and already have begun to write out all the things I need to make to fill the orders, and all the things I wish I to do, and even a few dreams. And I have gently handed that list to Jesus and have asked Him to guide me in it all. He knows best how He wired my brain and personality and He knows what interruptions will be necessary and that I will listen to Him when He tells me to pivot. I am most excited about spending another year hanging out with Him everyday and learning to love the ones He has given me even better. I have a hope for 2021 that I don’t even have words for, it just keeps rolling around in my soul. I’m more than happy to share it with you as it unfolds.

God’s peace, my friends.